EXPAND YOUR HORIZONS by CJ

Sometimes what we want and what we need are two different things. Marriage is a life long committment. In order to be Divorce Proof, you really need the experience to know what you need and what you want. Sometimes that "White Hot" sexual attraction is one of the most dangerous things in the world. You need to learn what's good for you and what's not when it comes to dating women. In short, you probably need to expand your dating horizons and learn how to attract a sane, healthy relationship and girl.

"Red and yellow, black and white, all are precious in my sight"


We are all God's children, so why don't we take a second to get to know our fellow children in this mess called life?

I used to only be willing to date girls that were 5'1-5'6, they needed to be lean, preferably a size 4ish, or maybe smaller. They had to be stunning.

Why would I only date model-looking girls? Because I would feel validated if I had an EXTRA hot girlfriend. I would feel more attractive if I had a woman on my arm that other men were lusting for. Having a woman like that made me feel valuable. What a crock that was. All I got from that was a bunch of women who were fun to look at, but were so self-absorbed, crazy and unpleasant that they made me wish that I never met them.

I have since learned to value people for who and what they are instead of the package that they came in. My buddy Steve (I have seven friends named Steve) once said to me, "They all become little shriveled-up men in the long run, anyway." Truer words were never uttered. A very wise man once said it another way… "Beauty is fleeting."

As a pastor, I find is interesting to deal with the elderly ladies in the congregation. Even as, at heart, I am still 22 years old and the president of my fraternity, they at heart are still the 21-year-old hotties that I chased. What happened? I got to be 42 and chubby. They got to be 82 and look like little old men; but at heart, they don't understand why everyone doesn't cater to them any longer. Then there are the good old gals who were in their younger years perhaps of more average looks. They have character, they are lovely ladies and they are a delight to be around. And guess what? They look pretty much the same as the ones who were hotties!

Red and yellow, black and white, it's just dating. Just because you go out on a date or even a few dates with a girl, it doesn't mean that you have to have an exclusive relationship with them. You may well be surprised that you will develop an attraction for a girl that you didn't imagine that you would. Perhaps she will be a little more curvy or less curvy than you imagined. Perhaps she will be of another culture or even denomination than you, and perhaps you will really find her wonderful.

Be open to others. Get out of your ideals and get into reality. IT IS JUST A DATE, remember this. Just because you go out with someone, it doesn't mean that you owe them anything but to be pleasant and hopefully charming.

I have gone out and dated women from many cultures and denominations, and each one has had wonderful things to teach me and so much beauty in her own way. I have dated all shapes and sizes, from the 6' tall Slavic girlfriend I had in college, to the 4'9 Chinese girl I dated in 2006. Brazilian, Filipina, Australian / Chinese, Indonesian, Jamaican, Virgin Islander, Swedish, German, Italian, Japanese and so on, I have dated and adored something about all of them. Go and do likewise.

Find something of value and celebrate it in as many women as is humanly possible. Date to have fun and to bring fun to others.

Many coaches out there will say that it is a "Numbers Game." I
agree.

Marriage is a life long commitment and should be something that we investigate deeply before we jump in.

I would not buy the first car I sat in without going out and test driving several others (please understand that as a non-sexual metaphore). In the same way, I would not encourage guys to marry the first woman that they ever dated. Oh, I know it happens and for some guys it works really well, but for the vast majority, it ends badly.

The pool is huge out there, we already discussed how big that pool is in a previous article, get out there and swim for a while. Test the waters in the shallow end as well as the deep end, explore and when the right one comes along, it will be the one that you selected instead of the one that you "could get.’

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Red Flags Part 2 by CJ

Are you tired of having your heart ripped out? I know I've been through that grinder way too many times. Been dumped by someone who seems to have what you want, but not what you need? 

Sometimes we get involved with someone who is just too much drama. They are really exciting, but then excitement turns into insanity. Crazy women and crazy men might seem like fun for a while, but in the end, you can't fiz crazy. 

Christian Social Arts is dedicated to divorce proofing men. One of the best ways to become divorce proof is to have your eyes wide open and pay attention to Red Flags before it is too late. Better to deal with it now than to marry it. 

RED FLAGS Part 2

Since Last time, I have completed the rest of the red flag list. These are many more to consider and beware of. Lets face it, life is hard enough, we really don’t need other people’s problems. 

5) She is waiting for Prince Charming or the perfect man. Many women have bought into the notion that their man should be perfect. They have idealized him since they were little girls playing dress up as princesses. These are girls who are serial daters who will never settle for a normal guy. They have lost touch with reality.

Guys do this when they set their standards unrealistically high. For a woman, this plays out in the man having to be Fabio on the outside and the rest of the romance novel on the inside. For a guy, the girl has to be a playmate on the outside and love to spend all day with you and the Playstation on the inside. Get real.

6) She is over or under sexualized. If she has a history of many sexual partners or is completely sexually frigid, it is a red flag. There is a big difference between keeping pure and having a phobia towards sex. God made us to be sexual beings, so even though you keep boundaries, there should be some healthy sexual tension there.

I have a friend who got into a “relationship” with a nice Christian girl who slept with something like 60 guys while she was in college. “It was just a phase that she went through in college,” he told me. I did the math, that was about 4 years ago, I said “run for your life.” They were dedicated to wait until marriage. In the long run, it turned out that he was the only one dedicated to wait, she managed to cheat on him repeatedly.

7) Something about her "creeps out" your friends or family members. Now I realize that to your mother, there may be no woman good enough for you (that’s your issue that you need to deal with), but if she really says or does things that freak your friends out, you should consider seriously what they’re saying.

Sometimes, we tend to like a certain “type” of girl and that type is really bad for us. Consider that one of the main definitions of “insanity” is “doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting different results.” If your friends tell you that your new girl is exactly like the last one who ripped your heart out, maybe she is. If she is, she probably will also.

8) She is a fixer. If she has a history of repeatedly getting involved with losers and druggies, this is a good sign that she is a fixer. You can’t fix broken people with love; no matter how hard you try. She will also try to fix you, even if you aren’t broken. These sorts of people live for drama and if you don’t provide it for her, she will dump you in favor or another guy who will treat her like dirt.

9) She is not independent. A sign of this is if she is over 30 and still living at home, unless she is building a big nest egg for a house. The fear here is that she wants to go from mom and dad taking care of her to you taking care of her. She needs a sense of independence and maturity that only comes from having to be financially responsible, paying her own bills and holding down a job, even if she doesn’t like it.

10) She lacks proper boundaries. Is she controlling? Does she get annoyed when you spend time with anyone else? Does she get jealous if you have a regular “guy’s night?” She will try to run your life and control every aspect of it if you marry her.

11) She is on the rebound. If she recently broke up with a guy that she has been in a long term relationship with, she will be emotionally unavailable to you. She will probably still be in love with him and not ready to commit. She will most likely string you along because you are a good safety net and convenient, but it probably will go nowhere.

12) Dumped her ex in a cruel way – you’re next. Do not fool yourself, she will do it again, she has not changed and she has a history. “Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it.” - Santayana

13) In the world of internet dating, this one is very common… She engages and disengages without warning.

For example, every time you take her out you have a great time but then she barely returns your calls, or takes several days to return them.

You end up calling first because you had fun together but you find yourself in a chase mode with no indication of whether or not she's wanting to be caught. This, my brothers, is a game of control. This person playing with you're emotions and making you question yourself. They will use you up and leave you on the heap.

There are lots of other red flags to consider, but these are some of the most important ones. Pay attention, if something seems odd, it probably is.

I know, “It is not good for man to be alone.” But consider this, it is better to be alone than to have a miserable relationship and have her walk out one day for reasons that you don’t even understand.

There are plenty of available women. Get out there, meet as many as you can and select a winner from the masses who is caring, kind, giving and flexible.

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RED FLAGS! Part 1 by CJ Donofrio

Too many of us get sucked in by drama. Before I figured some things out, I was once in a cigar lounge in Pasadena, Ca. I was talking to a bunch of guys about a girl that I was dating. She clearly had some psychological issues, but she was cute and I was needy. As I talked about her issues, one old guy looked me in the eye and said, "Do you know what your problem is? You're Chief Save-a-ho."

Bang, just like that, it all came to clarity, I was a fixer and I really needed to learn that I CAN'T FIX BROKEN PEOPLE! I started to consider the red flags that I had been excusing away...

Too many of us get sucked in by drama. It's exciting, its a challange and it will make you insane and unsure of who and what you are about. If you want to end up giving away all of your personal power, live without personal boundaries and be tormented in your innermost being, just ignore these Red Flags.

I debated if I should release this article or not for fear that it may seem misogynistic. This is not against women in the least, but it is written to protect the innocent who are perhaps in need of some guidance. I love women, I have dedicated much of my life to helping men love and be loved by a good women as I also encourage them to be good men to their women. It is my prayer that this article will be read in this light.

The latest statistic that I have heard has women filing for divorce nearly two thirds of the time and many times the guy never sees it coming, until the papers are served. At Christian Social Arts, our goal is to divorce proof men before they even meet or date the girl they will marry.

I remember not too long ago, I was a very lonely, isolated man who would often ask God, “Why must I be alone? Am I going to be a single man like Saint Paul or will I have a wife? Where is she? I WANT ONE NOW!!!

I would see friends and family with their wives and children yet I was alone and I was desperate. Can you relate? Along the way, I got involved with various women who were all wrong for me. I would get hurt over and over again. I would vow to never date again only to find myself on the Internet dating sites the next day.

Dating in desperation is a terrible thing, it causes rational, sane, mature human beings to do and tolerate ridiculous things. I have seen men repeatedly endure ridiculous relationships that were completely unnecessary and silly. Friends would gently warn them that a girl was completely nuts, but did they listen? HECK NO!!! Look at her, she’s hot, who cares if she has conversations with the television and cuts herself? “After all, how could I ever get a hot chick like this again?” Ah, yes, the cute girl that will turn us into morons.

When we get desperate and needy, we get into troubled relationships and all too many men do not realize what they have gotten into until they have married. It took me a long time to recognize and act on red flags before I was invested too deeply with it.

The following are just a few red flags that we should consider when we are getting to know a lady. These are also good for reflection on yourself to see if you are sending out red flags and perhaps it will give you things to improve on. Seriously guys, if these things creep us out, you can bet that they creep out the girls.

1) She is overly attached to her family. Being close to her family and talking with them often is a good thing, but she needs to be able to differentiate herself from her family. She needs to be her own person. This poor differentiation from her family will most likely keep her mother in charge of her life. If mom runs her life now, mom will try to run your marriage.

Signs that she may be over involved and over identified with her family may include…

a) She calls her mother everyday and for every thing that comes up in his daily life.

b) She talks outside on the phone with her family, never around you. She may be keeping you a secret because they wouldn’t approve of you for some reason.

c) Her social life seems to revolve around her family.

d) She repeatedly cancels dates with you because she is needed at home.

2) She is an inflexible person. Someone who has to have everything her way or who is not able to roll with life’s punches will make you unhappy. It is rude to only give one or two days notice for a date, but sometimes things just happen where there is not much notice, if she can’t deal with it, it is a red flag.

Some women have bought into a book called “The Rules.” They run their dating life by these rules and are inflexible on breaking the rules. “The Rules” is one of the best ways for women to never have a successful relationship because it teaches them to blindly follow them no matter what. She must be flexible, at least within reason.

3) Substance Abuse – Need I say more?

4) She has an entitlement mentality. Is it all about her? I mean everything? Is she entitled to being happy? Guess what, she is not happy and you will never make her happy. This is the kind of person who will up and leave one day and never look back because you didn’t provide whatever she feels that she needed. Men are often divorced on the grounds of “you didn’t fulfill my emotional needs,” whatever that means.

Is she a perpetual victim? Other people are always out to get her or her problems are always someone else’s fault? RED FLAGS

These are just a few red flags, there are more to come soon. To learn more about how to avoid getting involved with a lady who is too much drama with too many red flags, you really should buy “Attraction – the Christian Man’s Dating Guide” soon!

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The One? Part 2 Avoid TOS

Neediness and obsession are often more damaging than not. This is a post to help singles get past the problem which ruins many budding relationships. We at CSA call it TOS - The One Syndrome. 

THE ONE PART 2

By CJ Donofrio

Sometimes we meet someone new and they seem wonderful. Our thoughts are consumed with her throughout the day, we can’t wait to see or speak to her again. Some people become jealous, not knowing where they stand with the other person and they become needy. Neediness is almost never an attractive trait and it is NEVER an attractive trait to an emotionally healthy person. When we get needy for one person like that, we get the dreaded “The One Syndrome” (TOS). This is punctuated with multiple phone messages in a short period of time, obsessive thoughts of the other person and all around creepy behavior. TOS has killed more budding romances than the plague (then again – I’m not sure how many the plague has killed).

When men are needy, they give away their strength. Needy men become complete wusses and lose their masculinity. TOSing leads a man into supplicating behavior where he does silly things like sending flowers to a girl he has barely dated, buying her expensive gifts and dinners, trying to impress her. This behavior is at best trying to buy the affections of another and at worst bribery. This lowers a man’s social value and makes him into a man-child who is no longer admired by a woman, but rather a weakling who has no life of his own.

How can you avoid this neediness?

Keep more than one poker in the fire as often as you can. Date plural and wait for one to rise to the top. I used to think that I could only date one lady at a time – IT DIDN’T WORK! 

When I figured out that dating more than one lady at a time was not so hard, I found that I could be selective instead of feeling “lucky that I had a girl,” I felt personal value, which is a powerful place to be emotionally. I am capable of dating about three ladies at a time without too many problems. I tell them on the first or second date my philosophy of dating. I keep it plural and wait for one to fit properly with my life and my way of living. I also have a strong policy of no second dates if I am not impressed enough after the first and of course, no sex!

I assume that they are dating other men and they may assume that I am dating other women. I do not want to hear about the other guys and I will not discuss other ladies. When we are together, it is just her and me.

In this way, both men and women can experience the company of several people before mutually selecting the one with whom they want to spend more time or even the rest of their life. If she doesn’t work out, then you are down to 136,999,998 to go. It’s a tough job, but someone has to do it.

When we escape this myth and others that are self-limiting, we find that our whole outlook changes. We lose that neediness, that sense of inferiority, we realize that we are indeed worthy of love and the admiration of others, even as they are worthy of ours. When we come to this point in our lives we will no longer settle for what we can get and we will no longer tolerate bad behavior from others because we feel unworthy of their attention.

When we get to a place where we realize what a prize we are and how capable we are, then we go after what we want instead of taking what we can get. The thing that is odd about all of this is that when you come to a place of emotional and romantic strength, our notions of beauty change. After a while, we start to look beyond the outer beauty and start to see the inner beauty of others as we become sincerely interested in people. It is no longer about the wrapping, but it becomes about the gift inside the box. Of course a well-wrapped gift is always appreciated and so, we also should do our best to maintain an attractive exterior ourselves, everyone likes that. Don’t forget, if she is “The One,” God will make sure that you will be together. Relax and enjoy dating, it is an adventure and you will have lots of fun stories to share with your friends.

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The One? Part 1

I met a great girl, but how can I know if she is “THE ONE?”

By CJ Donofrio

One of the most damaging myths in the dating world, is one of scarcity. Scarcity tells us that there is “THE ONE” and I must find her. It tells us that whoever we are in a relationship with is the last one available. It tells us, “I have used up my quota and so if I do not do ridiculous things to get or keep her, I will spend the rest of my life alone!” The notion of “The One” is both true and ridiculous all at the same time. Of course the one that you spend the rest of your life with was meant to be with you as a precious gift from God, but on the other hand, there are thousands and thousands of “The One” out there. How do I know this? Because I have met “The One” many times in my life.

The first time I met “The One” was in 7th grade, her name was Lisa, I have met “The One” dozens of times since.

How can you deal with the myth of scarcity?

At the moment that I am writing this, the world population calculator on the internet just rolled past 6,644,444,000 people. About half of those are female, and half male so, that means 3,322,222,000 women for men and men for women. For the sake of argument, we will say half are married, that leaves 1,661,111,000 unmarried of the opposite sex. Furthermore, we will break this down by one third to accommodate for age appropriateness that leaves 548,166,630. Now for those of us who are looking for someone with a compatible Christian worldview, we will say about ¼ may fit that, so this leaves 137,041,650.

That means that in the world there are over one hundred thirty seven million possibilities out there that are somewhat compatible. The odds of you finding “The One” out of that many people is about the same as winning a Mega Millions jackpot . If this were the case, about one couple a month would get married in the U.S.A. Okay, so I live in California, lets break it down for me here. I am a man in the USA – About 300,000,000. Once again half female – 150,000,000. I live in California which is about 20% of the US population 30,000,000. One third of that are age appropriate – 10,000,000, half married 5,000,000 and finally ¼ “Christian”… 1,250,000 somewhat compatible women available to me in California alone. I for one am more afraid of being overwhelmed with the abundance available than a scarcity.

The notion of “The One” strikes fear into the heart of men and women alike. How do we deal with this? If we come to the process with a whole new frame of reference, that being one of abundance instead of scarcity, the whole face of the issue changes. When we realize that there are hundreds of millions of the opposite sex out there available, it becomes a matter of selecting in and out ladies from your dating pool.

I have taught men and women alike how to be successful with dating. The first thing that I tell people is that there will always be more of them to date tomorrow. If someone doesn’t fall in love with you and you liked them, don’t feel unworthy or rejected, but rather thank them for selecting themselves out of your dating pool. That means that there is one less to deal with. Now you go from 137,000,000 to 136,999,999. At this point, most of us are not too panicked, “oh golly jeepers, what will I do now, I only have 136,999,999 other women out there for me!”

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